On Emotional Burn Out, and Believing in What You Want Most
The past few months have been a desert on my site but nowhere near a desert in my journal, my mind, or my life. Sydneystoddard.com may not have seen many words in the past while, but Sydney herself has been pouring out words by the thousands just about anywhere she can put them. They’ve been words for me- for my growth and expression and encouragement.
And then there was a brief time when I ran out of them. Where my usual love and overflow and constant stream of words stuttered into just sounds and then into maddening silence.
I once read somewhere that the first thing animals learn to do is cry. They learn how to ask for help, because they know that’s the key to their survival. In a lot of ways, that’s where I’ve been at. As if over the past few months I slipped further and further back in time until all I knew how to do was cry, even when I didn’t want to, so that someone around me would know to help.
If I’m back in front of a computer screen writing this, obviously I’m better now. But I’ve never so vividly come to the end of myself- so desperately needed something or someone rather than just myself. At least not that I remember. And, like I wrote on a random sheet of paper in my friend’s loft, “sometimes you just have to let things burn.”
Over a few weeks, I slowly lost my grasp of all my usual coping skills, techniques, and ways of handling what I didn’t know what to do with. I’ve always had this uncanny ability to experience and analyze at the same time, something that’s proven useful and overflowed into my writing often. But, I lost that. I can usually maintain some level of self-awareness- like my psyche can step out of myself and see the objective picture, not perfectly, but at least outside of my immediate emotions. It’s what makes my journals growing up hilarious as you see a teenager acutely aware of her stupidity while still going about it. But, I lost that too- unable to diagnose what was happening in my heart and, even worse, unable to step outside of myself or my own whirlpool of emotions. Usually I can lay myself down in order to calculate what others around me need or feel. My mind can do pages upon pages of equations- about people, rooms, situations, experiences- and these equations are vital to how I operate. They help me be inclusive, compassionate, and intuitive. They help me weigh my next move or consider how best to bring people together. But, I lost that too. Like I was fried of my ability to compute, well, anything. Myself, others, situations, anything besides just my pure and simple emotions. But I still had some rhythms. I had my innate desire to pray- something that sticks with me even on scary rollercoasters or in the nervous brain fog before tests. I had my inner sense of how to regulate myself, how to turn things over to God, how to rely on my innermost parts and beliefs. But, then I lost that too. I came to the end of myself and found- nothing. Like a fire that’s run out of fuel, with no one and nothing there to continue it’s blaze.
And so, that’s how things burned.
I remember who was there when I burned. I remember who texted, who called, who answered, who listened, and who stayed-even if they only arrived at the tail end of things. I remember who knew I was burning and who I hid the flames from. And, mostly I remember how it felt when the fire finally stopped and parts of me just knew what had to go and what had to stay.
I’m far better now. I’ve heard forest fires are actually a good thing, in moderation, because they let forests regrow stronger and better. They get rid of the dead and dying things that weren’t the best in the long run anyway. Sure, they’re annoying when they happen a few months before your pre-planned trip to a National Park, but that’s the thing about nature- it doesn’t really care a whole lot about you. Just like my emotions, in their own forest fire, didn’t really care a whole lot about my to-do list or my comfort or my plans. They were keen on getting rid of the dead and the dying- and on making sure I noticed. And now, I feel like I’m growing stronger and better- with a lot more room to breathe and, after all that smoke, a lot more fresh air.
I got all my old ways back, like the layers of me finally got to grow back after withering away for a while. And, I also know that there’s new ways in me too. Ways I won’t be able to name for a while, but forests take a while to grow after fires, let alone to know what exactly is growing. I honestly never really knew how much fire and dead brush there was in me. But, I’m glad it happened. I wouldn’t have ever chosen the wildfire, but it’s how things shifted, changed, and became free and open to better things. To what I want more versus the dry brush I’d been settling with before, in many areas.
And, as I’ve been growing back again, I’ve stayed deeply in check with what exactly I do want more going forward. What I want the forest of both my life and my inner life to be like moving forward. I’ve been a huge fan and lover of the Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman during this season- for so many, many reasons- but a chapter she wrote on asking yourself what you want, and what you want more- still sticks with me so profoundly.
She recalls the story of Jesus hearing the cry of a blind man and how the first thing he asks the man is “What do you want me to do for you?” The Son of God, who knew everything and the hearts of everyone, simply just asks what he wants. And, I’m learning that that’s God’s posture towards me too. Not for me to be free to demand what I want or pretend I control the universe, not at all, but to look into myself and bring Him what I want- and let Him do the rest.
She then outlines all the good things of knowing what you want, and how, ultimately, our desires can be good. They are often for good things. Which, as someone all too familiar with Jeremiah 17:9 (“The heart is deceitful above all things, who can understand it?” - Post-Awana Sydney Paraphrased Version), is a bit hard for me to trust sometimes. But, our friend Jeremiah was talking about us before Christ, before the whole Holy Spirit, now-a-part-of-God-lives-inside-of-you thing. Before the whole new creation bit, as Paul in Ephesians would put it. In fact, one of my mom’s favorite, and by extension, my favorite verses is “Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Of course that promise’s got a caveat in the whole “delight in the Lord” bit which, ya know, tad important- but it’s still a hint that our desires can in fact be for good. And that they’re worth listening to. So, I have been.
I remember junior year of high school, in the swirling storm of new people, places, things, classes, conditions, and all the rest of it- I literally sat in the computer lab one day and wrote out what I believed in. Point by point what I believed was true and what I believed was a lie. I asked every ounce and corner and speck of my brain to tell me what exactly it believed and bare it’s lies out in the sun. And, through that, not just the list but the naming and the process of choosing what I let my brain say to me- I became a better, stronger person. So, I’m no stranger to relying on powerful list-making mixed with honest soul searching.
And that’s what I did again and have been doing as I go through this period of regrowth and potential. I’ve been asking myself what I want and what I want more. Literally making lists of what I want versus what I don’t. Sure, it felt weird, but it put a genuine mirror up to my heart and forced me to really see what was and is going on- and it’s actually really good. Most of the things I want aren’t all that deceitful. In fact, most of them are actually pretty delightful and new creation-y. Most of them are probably part of the whole “delighting myself in the Lord” vibe. So, I’m trusting them. And letting God do the next thing with them. And, quite frankly, perhaps if I’d made that list sooner, I wouldn’t have had so much burning to do in the first place. Perhaps if I had listened to what I wanted most, I wouldn’t be surrounded by so much ash. But, I’ve learned that God’s good at using ash too.
This was definitely a bit different than my usual posts here- I’ll admit that, lol. But I’m learning to share more of my processes as they happen and, since I bought the domain and it’s kinda my name, I figure it should reflect all the parts of me- the nerd, the English major, the designer, the writer, the world creator, as well as the ocean of emotions, thoughts, and musings inside of me. So, thank you for going on this journey with me and, as always, for reading. It’s really exciting to be back. In all the ways.
Till next time! (Hopefully not months from now, lol)
