Testing Myself
Note: This was an essay for my English 101 class on a personal narrative.
During high school, many have a daily life of constant worries. High school students rarely just worry about academics, but also how to look, how to act, and how to feel. Even when we convince ourselves we won’t worry about those things, somehow the want to be “good enough” still rings in our ears.
Throughout my high school career, I dealt with losing myself entirely through social struggles. These struggles challenged me and taught me who I truly am. Those few years where I felt like an outsider in high school challenged me to the core and caused me to be stronger for the next phase of my life.
Firstly, academics served as both a cause and an effect of feeling like an outsider. I refused to be anyone else but myself. Myself, as it turned out, was an avid worker with laser-like focus and incredible efficiency. Tests took minutes and answering questions took seconds.
However, I forgot what I already knew: no one likes the smart kid, no one likes the person who always has their test done first, and, more than anything, no one likes someone who’s better than them.
I had a few friends always beside me, but for the most part, as my GPA rose my friends dwindled. So, lonely lunch breaks were devoted to getting ahead on U.S. history flashcards and silent afternoons became my study hall.
As studying became my favorite school friend, social insecurities began to grow into a hideous double-edged sword. I cared about people, but I didn’t make friends like most of my classmates did. I didn’t want to goof off during a lab if the assignment was due in an hour.
This unfortunate mixture of guilt for being how I was and feeling increasingly alone resulted in a double-edged sword.
As I grew more lonely, I only grew more paranoid. I was convinced that I was secretly disliked. I constantly compared myself to others and questioned everything I did. However, this parasite would blossom into a far more fruitful growing period.
By the end of my last year of high school, I had felt guilty for almost every aspect of my personality, but would walk away as a stronger person than before.
By the end of sophomore year, I was done with worrying about being enough. I began to value the friendships I did have more. I was set to go somewhere entirely new. I grew stronger in my faith and learned that some things about myself were always true.
When I finally did get back in touch with who I actually was, that person was only brighter, only stronger, and only sharper.
Overall, I learned from my high school years what I was really made of. Those years revealed both my flaws and my strengths. I still love people, I love learning, and I love being myself. I learned how to love myself, even if I feel inadequate sometimes. Most importantly, I learned humility. I thought for so long that I wouldn’t partake in the struggles of my age group.
High school proved just the opposite- instead showing that I’m just as confused, sensitive, and immature as anyone else my age.
However, just like my peers, fighting those inner demons only makes me stronger and only serves to teach me more about who I actually am.
Especially as I move into a new phase of my life, reflecting on where I’ve been is vastly important. I still struggle with the fear of not being good enough, not being who I’m supposed to be, and not being this “perfect” version of myself that just doesn’t exist.
However, I at least have grown the ability to call them out for the lies they really are.
Feeling like an outsider in high school has shaped me into who I am today for better and for worse. The inner strength I’ve gained will only serve me well during these years of college and the scars of insecurity I still carry will only help me grow into the person I will one day become.
