A Few Loving Reminders
Valentine’s Day can be all sorts of things for all sorts of people. I’ve had years where it was awkward and well-meaning, years where it was quiet yet endearing, and years where it was just another day I had an adventure with someone I cared about. Regardless of how Valentine’s Day strikes you this year, I wanted to put a few loving reminders out there for both those in relationships- and not.
A relationship should not be a goal.
If you’re currently single and have “get a partner” as a goal for 2021- let’s change that. Valentine’s Day can be just another reminder that you aren’t where you want to be with who you want to be with but, friend, being a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” will not fix everything or be an endless source of joy and love. And, please, please, please do not believe the lie for a second that you need an “other” to be valuable or have a full life. Disney princess movies didn’t need the princes- and neither do you.
There’s also no shame in admitting that you’re lonely or missing having a person or “actually, I really want someone in my life”. But take “find a partner” off your 2021 goals list. If you end 2021 or the summer or this semester thinking that you failed because you didn’t find a human, you didn’t fail a goal- you just made a stupid goal. It is better 100% of the time to be alone than to be in an okay, alright, or especially a bad relationship. Partners can be time-consuming, emotion-impacting, and even trauma-inducing and, whoever and wherever you are, do not ever measure your worth based on whether you are single or not. While my relationships taught and grew me so much and regrets are too heavy to carry, I can’t tell you how much more time and how much less emotional baggage I’d have had if I had just focused on myself and friendships instead of dating.
Does that mean you should just never think about dating in your goals though? Not at all! Make a goal to invest more deeply in your friendships because that community will be so important as you date. Be intentional about putting yourself out there- either by getting involved in groups(virtually right now of course) or trying out dating apps. Even if nothing happens, being on a dating app, in a healthy way, can help you explore your interests, who’s out there, and at least get your foot in the door with someone. You could also make a goal of getting to know yourself better and investing in your own growth, healing, and interests before you find a person. If you walk into a relationship looking to them for validation, healing, and confidence- that very rarely goes well. So, working on that stuff now by journaling, taking yourself on dates, or becoming aware of your own flaws, insecurities, and values will make your future dating experiences so much more healthy.
There are no shoulds.
I struggle and have struggled with “shoulds” in relationships so, so often. There are no shoulds- other than you should love each other as best you can. No two stories are the same and just because it sounds a little weird or you’ve never seen a couple like this before doesn’t mean that it’s bad or wrong. Don’t be Fiona in the tower telling yourself how it’s supposed to be different and everything’s wrong just because all the fairytales were never like this. One of the biggest mysteries of life is how we humans have been romancing and loving for millennia and yet there’s still unique couples and situations all the time. Relationships are not “one size fits all” or even on a sizing chart at all. Yes, there’s signs of an unhealthy relationship 100% but there’s a huge difference between “he shouldn’t make me feel this way all the time” and “well, shouldn’t she be the one who (commonly expected behavior)?” or “Shouldn’t we work this way because that’s how this one article says?” or believing there’s one way that a healthy, loving couple should look. Chasing should’s will only land you worrying about or fighting things that aren’t even real, so, lay them down. Ask yourself who you become around this person, how you leave their company feeling, and if your heart rises or falls when you think of seeing them next. Those are far, far more important questions in a relationship than any question with the word “should” in it.
Keep your people close, always.
Those friends I mentioned- keep them. And keep them close. Don’t be the person who only sees or talks to your partner. I love my boyfriend so incredibly much and yes, in a pandemic world, it’s safest and most sanity-keeping for me to mostly hang out with him, but just because he’s the one I’m hanging out with all the time doesn’t mean he’s the only voice in my life. I have friends I text with, write to, and call. I have mentors and older, wiser voices who are only a button or meeting away. I’m often sharing stories or exchanging thoughts with multiple people a week, even if my Instagram feed doesn’t reflect that- and that is so, so important.
You need trusted people of all sorts in your life to listen to what you may not even realize you’re saying or see what you may be missing. I didn’t even know until after my breakup that one of my friends was seeing some of the behaviors that were hurting me- and I told her not to be afraid of letting me know her worries in the future because that is so, so invaluable. Dating, love, and relationships can so easily make you blind or comfortable or deadset on something even when you shouldn’t be, so you need people.
You need outside voices. You need eyes that will watch how they treat you at dinners, get-togethers, in video games, and out in the normal world (when life’s normal again, that is). You need people who will notice how often you’re coming on exhausted, fed-up, or anxious, even if you insist everything’s fine. Their word may not be law, but keeping their words in your life is so, so vital.
Cherish what you have.
I have this cute, loving, affectionate, brilliant, and thoughtful boyfriend. And I want to remember that every single day. Both when I was single and now I have incredible friends, vibrant communities, and abundant time to explore my own interests and values. As a dating person instead of a married person I have so much more autonomy, less pressure, and the freedom to sleep in a snore-free space. Since I live with my parents, I get to have my whole own room without paying rent.
No matter what Valentine’s reminds you you don’t have, cherish what you do. And truly, truly cherish it, because there will be a day that it’s different. Even if you never break up or are single for a long time, there will be special things that are just right here and right now. Savor them and choose to cherish what you have- even if there’s pain in the longing for more than that or a need to admit what you wish was different too.
Be honest with fear + anxiety.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, but fear. And while perfect love casts out all fear, fear is only human and natural when you care. And whether you are in love with someone, or your future, or an idea, fear will follow you. But be honest and sit with the fear. It isn’t your enemy, it’s your body and mind’s way of telling you something. Maybe it’s telling you that you’ve been here before and you’re afraid of repeating the same mistakes, or you really, really care and you don’t want to lose them or be hurt, or you know something’s wrong but you just can’t place it- and you’re too scared to sit alone and find something you may not want to hear.
While fear is not a trusted advisor or fully accurate, it is telling and it is important. In both, any, and all of my relationships there’s been some level of fear- whether healthy or unhealthy, foreboding or simply a sign I care. But every time I was and am afraid I wish that I don’t ignore it or allow myself to be afraid of being afraid. Because, more often than not, it and I, or it, I, and someone I trust, can talk it out and find the words to express our feelings, fears, and concerns. We can journal, we can write to each other, we can be honest about why it is desperate to keep me up at night or keep me from moving at all.
You can’t always resolve your fears, but sitting with them, acknowledging what they have to say, and responding- even if just to say “no, this is worth being wrong about”- can be one of the best ways of truly loving yourself in all that you are. And, ultimately, of loving someone else, since being able to express your fears can help you both work them out together, instead of you having to face them alone.
It is most people’s desire to love and be loved and the world of love, dating, and relationships can be so wild and hurtful and damaging, no matter the status we’re in. I hope these reminders can sit with you just a bit, giving you permission slips to better love yourself- single, dating, or unsure. You are loved and can love as you are, right now, don’t let the Hallmark or Disney movies make you think any different.
