Attracted, but Not Like That

With Valentine’s/Galentine’s Day right around the corner, I figured an updated + expanded version of this essay would be a perfect fit. We so often think that attraction is only romantic and only for romantic or sexual relationships, but our hearts don’t just race for smexy bodies or cute eyes. My heart’s full when I’m surrounded by wonderful people or after a long talk with a friend. My mind’s a-buzz after an introspective, hilarious, or rich conversation with someone new and exciting, or when a friend surprises me with something wonderful about themselves. While the picture atop this article is of Mikkel + me and we’re obviously not just friends now, we were for a while and he’s not the first or the last person I’ll love for who they are- and not just in a dating way.

Attraction can be a fuel for both platonic and romantic relationships. While sexual attraction is the domain of romance, the epitome of personal attraction is found in friendship. The best friendships center on finding someone interesting and I can’t tell you how often I’ve bothered someone simply because I thought they were interesting. Their brilliance, their conversation, their presence, the way they carried themselves or dressed in class- all of these attracted me to them, inspiring me to either ask for coffee or bother them for the day or ask them to be my pen pal. And while this has resulted a time or two in someone thinking I’m hitting on them, the ability to be fully and truly attracted, but not like that, to the essence of who someone is is one of the best kindling for friendship.

In Andrew Sullivan’s book, Love Undetectable, Sullivan tells the story of his and Patrick’s friendship in terms of attraction, being in love with Patrick as his friend and not at all as a partner. Their friendship wasn’t built on convenience or utility, but on mutual attraction to each other’s personalities and quirks. Sullivan celebrates Patrick for all of who he was: the good and bad, small and large, in a way that is reminiscent of how one would describe a lover. However, Sullivan isn’t enamored with Patrick’s body or romantic abilities, but in who he is. Sullivan telling the story of his friendship with Patrick highlights how personal attraction is a key component of friendship and how simply finding someone interesting is the fuel for the best of friendships. 

Sullivan makes it clear that he saw Patrick as a friend rather than a lover. Even though they initially tried to date, they discovered that their “love was no less love for being in the mode of friendship” (Sullivan 182). Sullivan illustrates this in how he focuses on his friend’s personal qualities, gifts, and interests rather than Patrick’s physical traits or his romantic prowess. Their relationship and their love was built on shared interests like reading, intellectual conversations, and philosophy rather than on mutual sexual attraction, things that are honestly a much better grounds for both friendships and relationships.

Patrick caught Sullivan’s attention not because he was physically attractive or sexually available, but because of his presence, because of who he was. Sullivan even makes sure we know that Patrick was already romantically involved with other people when they were trying to date. When another friend of Sullivan tells him that he and Patrick would get along, it isn’t because they would be great romantic partners but because Patrick “had read everything, it seemed” (Sullivan 180). Sullivan and Patrick shared a love for reading, ideas, discourse, and philosophy and that’s what bonded them together. They were attracted to each other’s minds and bonded over interests rather than romance or sex. 

Part of Sullivan’s fascination with Patrick stems from how incredibly unique and learned Patrick is. Put simply, Sullivan is in love with who Patrick is and was: “a rebel who revered authority, a sexual adventurer who treasured love, a traditionalist who rarely gave up the chance to try something new” (Sullivan 181). These core parts of Patrick’s persona and existence are what bring Patrick and Sullivan together. Sullivan’s enamored with the idiosyncrasies, peculiarities, and ironies of his friend. He’s fascinated with how Patrick can at once be a rebel and a traditionalist or a sexual adventurer and so fond of attachment and this fascination is what inspires their friendship to blossom and continue until Patrick’s death. Sullivan’s attracted to the character of Patrick, as obsessed with the details of Patrick’s personality as a lover might be with his beloved’s body.

And it was this section that really made me resonate with how Sullivan feels about friendships with interesting people because I’m really not all that different. When I meet interesting people, I can fall head over heels in love with their nuances, their interests, and their personalities. I’m not at all interested in dating them- but I want to connect with them, meet them, learn them, and care about them in my life. I’ve felt like Sullivan when I went to camps and met a girl who could write in Germanic runes and seemed not to care what anyone thought about her, or when I heard there was a girl from India at youth group and was dead-certain I had to learn everything that made her unique, or when I started going to coffee for hours and hours with someone I could muse about history, identity, and spirituality with right alongside memes and food. I feel like there should no shame in loving and celebrating our friendships, especially now when our people are so spread out.

 Sullivan says that as lovers they never would’ve worked. They would’ve been unhealthy and overwhelmed each other, but as friends “we had space to breathe, to be ourselves” (182). Being able to be themselves was key to their friendship working, otherwise, they would’ve stopped being attracted to each other at all. They needed to have room to breathe and some element of detachment from each other in order to truly be friends. I can’t tell you the number of times, especially in middle school, I thought finding a boy interesting meant I must try to date them- when, actually, if we had just stayed interesting to each other, we might still be friends. Especially when I was younger, I assumed every time I felt electricity about someone it meant love or a crush, when actually it might’ve just been I found them interesting or fascinating. I love how Sullivan shows the earnest and realistic complexity of relationships and friendships, that there really is space to know you’re best as friends and that’s all. The best conductor for electricity between two people really is just friendship sometimes, and that’s a beautiful- not limiting- thing.

Sullivan’s platonic attraction to Patrick allowed Sullivan to celebrate all of who Patrick was, including his flaws. Seeking to capture the essence of this person he loves, Sullivan writes, “He laughed mischievously, made up stories, was prone to sudden violent outbursts and hardly ever answered the phone” (180-1). Sullivan revels in the duality of his friend, both the good and the bad, especially in the small details. He almost loves Patrick’s flaws, romanticizing his temper and his lack of communication. Sullivan includes these in a paragraph adoring his lost friend, almost suggesting that even Patrick’s weaknesses fascinated Sullivan. This inclusion of Patrick’s flaws distinguishes Sullivan’s attraction from romantic attraction as it is not blind or unable to see imperfection. In a romantic context, Patrick’s flaws would be more dangerous or harmful to Sullivan, but as friends, they were just another part of who Patrick was. Which is something that in real life I’ve found to be true. There’s freedom and honesty in just being friends sometimes, or in pure, genuine friendships. You can fully see the other’s flaws without them being earth-shattering or anxiety-inducing. They can be a drama queen while you laugh off their exaggerations over pizza, while as partners, you’d be stuck listening to their soap opera version of all your friends and struggles. In fact, in the best friendships, you can be completely honest about each other’s flaws, helping the other grow and become better. The kind of friendship Sullivan talks about embraces another’s imperfections and even stands as a testament to how much one loves another. 

Sullivan’s exploration of his bond with Patrick exemplifies the role that personal attraction can play in a friendship. How Sullivan discusses his attraction and the nature of his relationship with Patrick demonstrates the strengths and distinctive nature of all-seeing, all-celebrating platonic love. Acknowledging and admiring the essence of one’s friends, Sullivan’s writing argues, is a key component of a meaningful friendship. While not all our friends will be entirely fascinating or interesting to us and not all of us think like Sullivan, we can embrace the idea that love can look like so many things and that we can be struck by people in multiple kinds of ways- not just romantically. People’s essences can be attractive, engaging, and electrifying to us- and sometimes that electricity is best discovered over long conversations and casual gaming sessions rather than through commitment or physicality.

Works Cited

Sullivan, Andrew.  Love Undetectable. Vintage Books, 1999.