Dear Me,

I found this the other day while scouring my Google Drive and, given where we’re at now, it’s wild how much May 2020 Sydney planted the seeds for March 2021 Sydney, and beyond. Wherever you’re at with building a life you love, I hope this note from a not-so-distant-past me inspires you, because it still inspires me. (Some notes are added in so you’re in-the-loop on some of references):

Thoughts and discoveries lately have me thinking about the life I want. Actually grappling with what an adult Sydney looks like, what she wants, what she values, her choices. While I don’t fully know her yet and I’m so excited for all the things of the next few years and all the ways she’ll grow and pour and learn and move and love- and ALL of those are the UTMOST priority- here’s what I’ve found so far: There is no timeline for marriage. Mom was 35. She loved and lived single. There is no pressure to marry anyone. If you finish college and you’re not ready for marriage- cool. Your uterus will work for a long time. You’re not a bitizen (Bitlife reference, I have no shame). If you’re single, be single. Go. Do. Travel. Work. Savor and love what’s right in front of you. You have so much time, babe. YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. JESUS WAS 30 (fun fact, Jesus was 30 when he started his earthly ministry. So his 20’s are as much a mystery as mine are). You have your whole life to read and fall in love with Scripture. You have your whole life to settle, to explore, to be, to go, to see- and there’s no reason to live out of fear or worry or hurry. Your life can be God-glorifying no matter what direction you go. 

Here’s what I have for you: You love writing. You love writing online. You should totally teach abroad. Travel whenever you can. You love marketing- you literally set on fire when someone needs help with marketing strategy. Make that your job. Find people who want that. You’re creative. You’ll 100% be this wordy creative person who reads for fun and chews ideas and ponders out windows and stops and sketches things. This is you. You make friends anywhere. It’s what you do. Be too much. Be slow. Be a nester. Be a muser. You’ll be drawn to the traditional, the beautiful, the timeless, and the cutting edge- altars in urban cities, cherry blossoms in city streets. You’ll fall in love with words. You’ll be more desperate for travel and words and adventure and literature and ideas and magic then you’ve ever been for an “A”. You’ll love love. You’ll make a home out of anywhere. And also get really, really lonely. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re not doing enough. You’ll worry about potentials. That everything you’ve calculated and thought was wrong. But babe, you know your God loves you. He is with you. He is good. And His call on your life is justice and love. He is not a butthurt, sensitive, impatient God. He can use you as whatever you are. 

When you’re ready - and you’re allowed to not be - you’ll perhaps get the gift of looking a spouse in the face and promising forever to them. You’ll hold a mini you in your arms. You’ll cry when they enter the world. You’ll look into their eyes the way you do every baby you ever hold and feel your heart intermingle with theirs and know that this- this child- and all the other happy little curly bunches you spawn- are your legacy. But they are not your worth. Not your value. They- all of the theys- your friends, your spouse, your family, your children, your coworkers- all of them- will be wonderful, beautiful additions and spices to your life. You will make mistakes. You will mess up. You will look at forks in the road and pick paths, wondering the what if’s as you walk and look back. But life isn’t perfect. It isn’t fair. It isn’t easy. It isn’t Shakespeare. But it is full of magic and full of wonder and full of potential. 

You have this beautiful ability to look at horror and find a weapon to fight it with- and even more the tenacity to find the warriors already fighting and support them in whatever small way you can. You never wonder if you’re insignificant. Honestly you don’t care. You’d rather chip at the inch than sit on the mile. You, my soul, are a fighter. A warrior. A peacemaker. A mother. A creator. A magic wielder. A beloved. A nester. A friend. A connector. You will be a great mother, who cares and loves and laughs and worries and cries and plays video games and asks hard questions. You will be a lively and magical friend, calling and keeping and visiting and gifting and writing and checking in on and finding people who do just the same. You will be an insightful writer, creating magic and wonder and worlds and thoughts and connections and businesses and creations. You will bring things to life. You will connect people to their potentials. You will be a woman of word and action- and for that, I adore you. I adore your tenacious peace, your ferocious love, your wandering homeliness, your intelligent love, your careful care, your consistent drive, your ability to show up- and you have learned those lessons and crafted this person over time, through pain and lessons and tears. 

You are the spawn and apprentice of a loving, wondrous, magical, powerful, wise, intelligent God- and you know this. Always know this. Rest in this. Be powered by this. I love you, Sydney, and you will be so beautiful. Your life can look like anything. And that is okay. Make it happen. Don’t fall for the lie of timelines, of a certain structure, of only one way to success, of trying to answer what if’s when you just can’t know yet. Go. Open. Live. See. Teach. Learn. Write. Read. Listen. Chew. Discuss. Capture. Create. Connect. Let go. 

The life I want looks like a home office and a set schedule. A coworking space and a favorite coffee shop. Long days writing and creating. Being on fire for content. Meeting clients. Creating relationships. Birthing businesses and passion projects. Fighting justice in my off and on hours. Devoting money and resources to giving and learning. Reading hard and wonderful books. Maybe writing a book. Moving to Portland or San Fran or wherever strikes your fancy for a month or two and just- being there. Teaching English in Japan and Czech. Visiting friends. Never having an empty wall. Being obsessed with pictures and videos. Not being all about me. Being full of friendships and time and long talks and family time and captured memories. 

You got this, boo. Breathe. God’s already there. And you’ll get there. Be here. Matter here. Breathe here. And dream in both.

(I’ll admit I cried reading this when I re-found it. It- it’s so crazy how so much of this is now. So much of this sprung up and made the now I have- one where I do so many of the things I said in the last paragraph already. So much of this is within me, and still is. Is already in motion and in process. There is no time to wait for, no set day when the life you want begins- there’s only a garden to care for, in all its seasons and stages and changes. And trust me, no matter the weeds in there now, I promise you somehow, someway, someday- it will grow.)