How I Got Here pt. 1
Reality is a fickle thing. Especially as, for me, reality is largely confined within the same 30 sq. ft where my desk, bed, and journals all find their homes. On the same computer that I attend club meetings, I also meet clients, design websites, write e-mails, plan blog posts, share Instagram stories, and record website reviews- and that’s not even mentioning homework, lectures, video games, YouTube videos, and Discord calls with friends. Or just writing to write. Or planning out my time to make sure I remember to do all of that.
And my moods- exciting and wonderful and powerful- are prone to shifting ever so often. I’m overwhelmed, excited, peaceful, chatty, processing, buzzing, and impassioned (or all of these at once) more often than not. A writer who’s found herself at a loss for words sometimes.
All of this is pushing me to my limits in more ways than one. Mostly towards growth- with the growing pains that come with it- and also towards healing- as progress forces me to face fears I never saw before.
But all of this- the hours I have, the networks I rely on, the clients I’ve met, the friends I made, the energy I expend- all of it came from somewhere. A series of choices I made over the course of 2020 (as well as a series of unexpected events), that led me here. There’s so much that happens in the background- things we never see or consider or even think about when we see someone’s life on social media or even over text or coffee. We don’t see all the little things that lead to what they’re able to do- what we do see.
One of the phrases that has both encouraged and haunted me over these months is “just show up.” Just. show. up. But what does that even mean? And how do I show up? And how do I show up when so much looks the same while also feeling so different?
I talk about being findable, about taking steps to take up space on the Internet, about just starting- but I acknowledge all the little things and all the background details that enable me to be here at all. To even think that post-graduation, this creative business life is possible for me.
Before this semester, I thought I’d run a business by 30. Not 21.
That’s as daunting as it is exciting. And, if anything, this year has taught me to go one step at a time- and trust someone(s) will catch me as I go. This continual trust- it’s new territory for me, but we’re still going for it. I can already hear a future me reflecting on how so much I learned now equipped me for the next step, the next phase, the next era of my life. How I’m so grateful for the connections I made at 20 that allowed me to have courses or books published or a 5-year blogiversary when there’s stamps on my passport or a baby on my hip.
I got a comment on a video I did: “It’s not as easy as just starting.” It’s not. It’s really not. I always struggled with the people who said, “Well, just start!” in response to the eternal question I always asked my career idols, “How do I start?” It’s a well-meaning response 100%- but it’s not a full answer, at least in my experience. Because starting a website, starting a blog, showing up on social media, writing a book, starting a series, launching a course, or creating a business model is not that simple. Most people started somewhere- and it likely wasn’t at a recognizable or structured starting line. There were inner dialogues and choices and conversations and questions and journal entries between them and finally hitting the “Choose Template” button on Squarespace or their first announcement they’d take commissions. Even if it was all in their head and done in 15 minutes, where they really started showing up was in their own heads and in their own lives.
If you want to know how I got here, really, we have to go back to my head. Not my head now- no (though she’s a ride in and of herself), but my head over the last several years. The mind that registered post after post from authors I looked up to- telling me that I had to hone my craft and start with a blog, the eyes that processed caption after caption full of confidence, belief, and potential, and the fingers that typed e-mails and applications and comments- hoping, dreaming, wishing I could write anywhere that would have me.
I’m here because of articles I saw in Darling magazine, telling me I could live abroad and love myself well. Because of Hannah Brencher’s mere existence as a freelance writer and author and all of her posts about writing and sharing it. Because of Elisabeth Huijskens and her insatiable confidence and glorious idioms that littered my soul like a line of pearls. This- the fact I’m even writing on a site with my domain name- was made believable by a local copywriter I dm’d because of an article who, over shakily eaten tacos at SkinnyFats, assured me things like this really do happen- and making a living off good words is possible. All these voices and streams and details and small stones I found again and again- until finally one night I just went for it and made a website. Then went for it and made a blog. Then went for it and made an e-mail list, joined a network or two, said yes to my first client. It took several, quiet, consistent moments to set the fireworks off. And they’re still shooting and becoming brighter and brighter- and one day we’ll see what they become next.
Over the next while, I want to share how I got here- in all its pieces and authenticity. Not that here is the end goal of my life, but I want you also to see what is possible. To see the little ways I got here- and the little ways you can get where you want too. We’re going to explore what showing up really means- in all of its facets and steps- and I hope that this will give you a voice in any season- seeing you where you actually are and helping you find what “starting” could look like right now.
