The Preparation of a Pop-Tart
As my scholastic years come to a close, let us take a moment to reflect on all the BS we write for our teachers and professors- and how much random things we’ve written about because our assignment said so. To begin, I turn your attention to something I wrote for my English 101 class 3 years ago. I present you: a full MLA-essay on… the preparation of a Pop-Tart. Please read in the most saracastic inner voice you have.
Saturday morning breakfast is truly something to be cherished. It is perhaps the only morning during which the busy student can have something other than cereal and milk. Saturday morning brings to mind lucious rivers of butter streaming over a piping hot pancake, the ever-satisfying experience of watching auburn maple syrup fill the squares of a flaky waffle, or powdered sugar falling as snow upon the vanilla peaks of french toast.
My inner child leaps at these visions of butter, flour, and sweetness blending together. How could I ever go a Saturday morning missing an opportunity at these sweet testaments to American breakfast cuisine? Well, between the laziness I won’t admit to, the skillet I can’t find, and the pantry I don’t organize- sometimes my sweet tooth is forced to settle.
Especially after a week full of testing, studying, and pretending to be studying, sometimes I roll out of bed not wanting to cook.
So, on these mornings, I choose to dine on another excuse to have dessert for breakfast: the Pop-Tart. Flaky, warm, and sweet, the Pop-Tart satisfies my craving while serving as a minimal effort alternative to actually cooking.
In order to properly prepare and savor a Pop-Tart, I take extra care in the selection, heating, and serving of my beloved morning treat.
Before I can truly prepare my Pop-Tart, I first must check the expiration date and decide my desired flavor on that given morning. The most important factor when selecting my morning poptart is the expiration date. If I have neglected to properly consume my Pop-Tarts weekly, sometimes my poor pastries get left in the back of the pantry to gather nothing but dust.
Once I’ve thrown out all the old Pop-Tarts, I then move on to flavor. From the jelly-like taste of strawberry and blueberry to the creamy sugar rush of s’mores and cookies and cream, Pop-Tarts now come in a multitude of versions of sweet. My typical method is pulling all of the boxes out of the pantry and placing them on the kitchen counter. While I may be lazy, I don’t want to be boring.
If I only ever eat from the box at the very front, where is my variety? Where is my freedom of choice? Where is my regard for different kinds of pure sugar and fake bread?
So I stand and hover over my boxes of Pop-Tarts and consider what my stomach is most interested in today. If I’m feeling more adventurous, I’ll grab a sweeter flavor that is practically frosting in a flaky sleeve. If I’m feeling more traditional, I’ll usually go for a more basic flavor inspired by a fruit. In some cases, I get really crazy and select a Pop-Tart from two different boxes in the name of experimentation. Once I have my foil-wrapped packet selected, I am ready to move on to the actual preparation.
With a Pop-Tart packet at the ready, I make sure to warm the pastry perfectly. A cold, plain Pop-Tart is a reminder of how sad of a breakfast this is, but a warm Pop-Tart can fool my taste buds into truly being satisfied. On the other hand, a burnt Pop-Tart is a disaster I always need to avoid. I have found the perfect method is using a simple toaster, but take care to put the setting fairly low. The flaky bread is easy to burn and brown, so I usually set it at three or four out of ten.
If I put it much higher than that, the Pop-Tart will come out a deep brown that doesn’t look appetizing and takes the tastelessness of the bread in a direction away from the intended goal.
I’ve had a wood chip or two in my younger years, and the taste of burnt Pop-Tart is not all too dissimilar.
Conversely, if I set the toaster too low, it’s as if I didn’t heat it at all. Why sit waiting for 4 minutes for something that’s no better than it was when I first started? Once the Pop-Tart has been fully toasted, it leaps from the toaster and awaits attention. It’s usually hot, but not bubbling, and tan, but not quite brown. The sides gain an almost caramel color; as if my Pop-Tart has now gained a fake waistline.
The Pop-Tart is much too hot for me to move it with my bare hands, so I use tongs or my sleeves to carry the pastry to my plate. I check that the middle is squishy, but not destroyed, and if any of the Pop-Tart’s holes have erupted. Being precise about the warming of a Pop-Tart may seem silly, but it can be the difference between a sad mess and a warm treat worth eating at all.
Finally, with the hot pop tart waiting to be breakfast, I make sure to pick the perfect side to my pastry. Eating a Pop-Tart by itself is child’s play. I always pair it with some nutella, fruit, or even just whipped cream in order to add to the flavor or just add to that feeling of being able to make a decent breakfast.
Side items to my Pop-Tart fall into the two categories: side dishes and side dips. Side dishes go beside my Pop-Tart and I usually eat separately, whereas side dips are butters, sauces, or creams I put beside the Pop-Tart in case it inevitably falls apart. What really matters to me when choosing my sides is the proximity of the potential items.
Are the bananas all the way across the kitchen but the Nutella is right beside me?
Of course today’s side is going to be Nutella. Some sides rely on the flavor of the Pop-Tart. Sweeter Pop-Tarts are better with more fruity sides and fruity Pop-Tarts are better with sweeter sides. Nutella with a s’mores Pop-Tart is too much, but blueberries is a good balance of natural sugar and fake sugar.
So while it may not be as luxurious as other breakfast options, the Pop-Tart is a staple of my breakfast routine.
It’s the perfect beginning to a lazy day and a simplistic celebration of a week well done. While it pales in comparison to the lusciousness of pancakes, the buttery goodness of waffles, and the sweet peaks of french toast, a Pop-Tart is a beloved understudy when those meals aren’t going to happen.
It rarely ever gets boring, with several flavors to choose from, and mixes well with other items, making for unique combinations every time. A Pop-Tart is what remains of the Saturday mornings of my childhood and they will continue to be a tradition of mine for years to come.
